THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF THE DISCUSSED FILM. READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Black Christmas was a Canadian gem, so did America have to remake it to have their own thing? Hell no.
PLOT
The 2006 version takes place in the sorority house of Delta Kappa that is unaware of the house formerly belonging to the serial killer Billy Lenz. He was disowned by his mother Constance (Karin Konoval) for having severe jaundice and after she killed his father Frank (Peter Wilds) on Christmas Eve and trapped her son in the attic, she wanted to have a replacement child. With her boyfriend Beauregard Rice (Howard Siegel) being impotent, she raped Billy to conceive her daughter Agnes. By the time she was 8 years old, Billy escaped from the attic and disfigured her by gouging out her eye. He would be arrested by the police after killing her mom and his lover, and made cookies out of Constance’s flesh. While he’d be incarcerated at an asylum, Agnes grew up in an orphanage. In the story’s present, Billy escapes the asylum to return home and Agnes joins him in a killing spree in the sorority house, starting with sorority sisters Clair Crosby (Leela Savasta) and Megan Helms (Jessica Harmon). In the living room, the other housemates include: Kelli Presley, Melissa Kitt, Heather Fitzgerald, Dana Mathis, Lauren Hannon and house mother Mrs. Mac. One of the killers makes a call claiming to kill them, which makes Heather uncomfortable enough to want to leave. Before she starts packing, she and the sisters are told goodbye by fellow sorority sister Eve Agnew (Kathleen Kole) who gifts the former a glass unicorn before departing. The house gets another disturbing call and see the caller ID come from Megan’s cellphone. When all the ladies all go check on her upstairs, they only find Kelly’s boyfriend Kyle (Oliver Hudson) who snuck in trying to delete a sextape he had of himself and Megan which the latter upsettingly found out since it was posted online without neither of their consent. Once the ladies find the reason of the presence, they kick him out. Just as he leaves, Clair’s sister Leigh arrives to check in on her since she hasn’t heard from her all night. When the power goes out, Dana gets killed from the crawl space by Agnes via garden cultivator. The killer calls again, causing the rest of the girls to go outside looking for Dana before the intent to leave together. When opening one car door, they find Eve decapitated. Going back inside, they call the cops of what’s going on, but are informed they’ll take a while to reach the destination due to the heavy snowstorm. When Mrs. Mac and Heather try to leave together while the others continue searching for Clare, the latter gets killed in the car by Billy while the former gets impaled in the face by an icicle. Inside, Melissa gets killed by Agnes in her room by ice skates. The sister daughter then kills Lauren with the glass unicorn. Just when Kelly and Leigh find her body, Kyle returns to help them. They choose to investigate the attic when hearing Clare’s cellphone ring in the attic. Kyle goes up first, only to be killed by Agnes as well. The remaining girls go up there to attack the killer and discover Agnes has been living in the house since she aged out at the orphanage. Just as Leigh falls through the attic floor, Billy re-emerges to take part in trying to kill Kelly, but the scuffle starts a fire and gives a chance for the lady to escape. Leigh is able to save her from the falling decorations caught on fire that only land on Agnes instead. The cops arrive and take them to the hospital, but both remaining Lenz relatives escape from the morgue where they were presumed dead and decide to continue pursuing the final girls. Agnes is able to reach Leigh and snap her neck, but gets killed by Kelly via defibrillator shock. The film ends with Billy chasing her, only to get pushed off a railing by her that causes him to be impaled by a Christmas tree.
THOUGHTS
I remember seeing the trailer for this a bunch of time the year it came out and I was creeped out then. But once I saw the 70s classic, my expectations dropped because I was sure there was no way this would be identically great. Writer/Director Glen Morgan was a few things up when it came to the graphic violence which I respect because the trademark eye gouging was a success in being unsettling each and every time. What really has me gripe with it all that’s put together is the decisions that are done storywise. I thought it was bold to give a shocking backstory to Billy and have it be dual depiction of terror with Agnes involved. Robert Mann & Dean Friss were equally disturbing in these roles depicting the neglect they had corrupted to be the monsters they were never born/meant to be. The problem is this backstory undoes the mystery of the original killer nicknamed The Moaner, whose shadowed presence was what made the fear work the first time around. Giving an answer to the mystery undoes the facade, which would be a similar problem in Rob Zombie’s Halloween a year later. Having said that, I still think that all the ladies made the dynamic of their sisterhood work and tell us how important it is to treat family as equals unlike the Lenz family. Of all the best Easter eggs that were displayed here, it was a treat to see Andrea Martin appear as Mrs. Mac, who previously played Phyl in the original film. She easily nailed it in wanting these girls to be a family in a holiday meant to bring people together. Personally, had she not kept the odd tradition in acknowledging the Lenz’s tragedy, maybe Agnes would’ve not been offended to the point of killing them all. The rest of the sisters are so different from one another that it gets challenging who to root for because you couldn’t predict who would survive the night. Crystal Lowe was the life of the party as Lauren drinking until she couldn’t, and that was sadly her weakness because it set her up so vulnerable that I was unsettled seeing her get groped before she died. Lacey Chabert made Dana a sweetheart because she was loyal with the other half in wanting to make sure no one was left behind before bouncing. Sadly, her selflessness became her own weakness. Mary Elizabeth Winstead was so different from the others because as Heather, she was not likable due to coming off interested in wanting to bond with others. And when it came to the killer getting the story going, she came off selfish in wanting to save herself which shouldn’t be a feeling. Michelle Trachtenberg is also great as Melissa because she was genuinely nurturing when it came to looking after Lauren. If only that was enough to save her from death. So when she got scalped by ice skates, I was fucking rattled because that was a 180 from all the eye gouging that was going on. When it comes down to it, the only ladies left to root for were Kelly and Leigh. What both Katie Cassidy and Kristen Cooke brought to the table was the common goal of maintaining whatever family they got left because that’s what makes them human. Kelly sees the sorority as her family and Clare was all Leigh had left as family, which is why it was so important for them to stick together and find her to stick together. When Leigh was the last victim to die, you would start to feel that it was all for nothing since she won’t live on to honor her sister. I would disagree with that opinion because Kelly is able to defy the odds when killing both tormentors who can live on to honor the whole sisterhood, especially since Leigh used to be part of the same sorority in her youth. Call it a stretch all you want, but their perspective was a gentle way to say family comes in all shapes & sizes, and I respect that. While these things work to get through the narrative, there are some things that didn’t make sense as I saw it. For example, was there really a point to see a milk carton block the door? If Billy is gonna kill the guard, it’s obvious he would take the key instead of rely on a blockade. Hell, I even think the guard should’ve asked for backup once he didn’t see him in his cell. And looking back on it, how come Constance didn’t give up Billy for adoption? She’d save herself alot of trouble had she done that and realizing this bothers me more than the fact he is able to hide behind the Christmas tree undetected before attacking his sister daughter. I then ask how does he get inside the car to kill Heather because he was in the backseat and it wasn’t like he had the keys. Also, why exactly did Kyle come back? I don’t think he was there to help that time since he was being sneaky in trying to take down the sex tape. And how did Agnes find out Billy was her dad? It doesn’t seem like he had the time to tell her since he was more focused on killing his mom. And lastly, no one checks their pulses before being taken to the morgue? I mean whoever is running the hospital is lazy as hell and it bothered me more than the emergency alarm getting ignored at the front desk. If you can ignore this to try enjoying this alternative mayhem, I wish you good luck. In short, 2006’s Black Christmas is a remake that doesn’t match the energy from before and doesn’t hit the mark in being its own thing. If you want to shake up your holiday watchlist, I hope you’re tolerable with this one as well.
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