THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF THE DISCUSSED FILM. READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Walt Disney really enjoyed holding onto the past as they chose to retell their animated classics during the 21st century. While some were worthwhile like The Jungle Book and Pete’s Dragon, some were kinda pointless like Aladdin and The Lion King. So it was a matter of time for something to be bad from the start and that happened to be Pinocchio.
PLOT
The 2022 Disney+ film is a retold version of the 1940 classic so bare with me as I go through familiar moments. The story takes in 1895 Italy and shows the talking cricket Jiminy take shelter in the home of a widowed woodcarver named Geppetto, who lives with his pet Figaro and goldfish Cleo. He has recently finished creating his titular marionette puppet, inspired by his deceased son. Before falling asleep, he wishes for the puppet to be a real boy. That same night once he sleeps, a fairy that glows blue brings Pinocchio to life and tells him he must be brave, truthful & selfless in order to be human. She also appoints Jiminy to be his conscience who will help him differentiate right & wrong. When Geppetto, he is in shock at first, but eventually gets filled with joy to see Pinocchio alive. A few days later, he sends his new son to school but is kicked out for being a puppet. Upon this, he is conned by an anthropomorphic fox named Honest John to abandon education for fame, thus being sold by puppet master Stromboli (Giuseppe Battiston). Despite Jiminy's protests, the wooden boy doesn't listen. When Pinocchio misses dinner for the show, Geppetto goes looking for him. At the theater, he puts on a good show for the crowd and befriends one of Stromboli's employees Fabiana (Kyanne Lamaya) & her own puppet Sabina (Jaquita Ta'le). Despite being a success, Stromboli refuses to let him leave and locks him in a cage to embark on a world tour. Jiminy does find him and helps him reach the keys to unlock the cage by lying which grows his nose. When he tells the truth, his nose reverts back to an appropriate size and the cricket unlocks the lock. Just when Pinocchio is about to go home, he is swooped up by a coachman who takes him and delinquent children to a carefree place named 'Pleasure Island'. There, the live puppet befriends a real boy named Lampwick (Lewin Lloyd) and they both enjoy the attractions that they come across. However, Pinocchio chooses to leave with Jiminy upon realization that the children who stay become cursed to turn into donkeys, as part of the Coachman's plan to sell them to salt mines. He almost becomes one as well, but they later get reverted. When reaching home, he realizes that the house is empty. But he does find a flyer of Pleasure Island that Jiminy's seagull friend Sofia gave to Geppetto, meaning that he sold his clocks to buy a boat and get him back. Pinocchio would reunite with Fabiana who tells him she took over the puppet show after Stromboli got arrested by the Carabineri during the night. She offers him to join her and Sabina, but he turns her down to go search for his father. Sofia would pull a rope and have Pinocchio hold on to it as they search and just when he finds him with Cleo & Figaro, all but Jiminy and Sofia get swallowed by the sea monster Monstro. With quick thinking, Pinocchio starts a fire within to make Monstro, which works. After that happens, Pinocchio and his family get to escape but the sea creature ends up chasing them all. The chase would end in chaotic fashion because when the protagonists reach dry land, Monstro would crash into a cliff. Pinocchio would worry that his father didn't survive and as he wept for him, a magical tear wakes him up. Geppetto would tell his son that he still loves him because he still had a heart to do what he did. The film would end with Pinocchio turning into a real boy as he departs home with his family.
THOUGHTS
You know I recall going into this expecting something good due to the list of talented people involved. I had such high expectations on Robert Zemeckis directing this because he never disappointed until now. I know there is a lot of effort that was put into this, which only pisses me off that it doesn't look like so. At first when you hear 'When You Wish Upon A Star' again during the intro, it felt good getting into familiar territory, but you quickly get annoyed how much of the same thing you're getting. They do add stuff from the original story like showing Monstro to be more monster than whale and acknowledging Geppetto had a family. You want to respect that effort, but the rest was just a modified copy paste. I know this is an attempt to respect the past, but the creativity was heavily lacking. If there was true improvement to the story, it would be clarifying that what the kids drank at Pleasure Island cursed them to be donkeys. That is basically one minor thing compared to the rest of the story. Since Disney is a studio that won't hesitate spending their budget on visual effects, I hate to say it's a mixed bag. I was creeped out by Lampwick's donkey transformation and the design of the gluttonous Monstro, but I know I'm not supposed to feel the same about Honest John, Gideon or Pinocchio. Neither of those characters look live like and that's a problem because live like is what made The Jungle Book work. And who the hell thought it was a good idea to computerize Cleo? It's a fish for Christ's sake, this ain't Finding Nemo where we need a fake one to make the story realistic. Aside from "I've Got No Strings", every song was so out of place I was so close at turning it off. No one asked for the Coachman to have his own song. We didn't need that to know he was evil, actor Luke Evans already sealed the deal with that twirling mustache. Speaking of which, I'm even disappointed on how mixed I am with the cast as a whole. I felt the curious & innocent youth Benjamin Evan Ainsworth carries as Pinocchio, which makes me interested in him. I thought Joseph Gordon Levitt sold me in making Jiminy a fun loving yet devout conscience from the voice. Despite a weird ass design, Keegan Michael Key was pretty funny in making Honest John as sneaky as you'd expect from a fox. I would've loved "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee" had he not looked so weird. I really did not mind Cynthia Erivo as the angelic Blue Fairy, I just wish we had more of her. It felt so wrong for her to not be there when Pinocchio discovered the situation of his nose growing when he lies. If anything about her was misplaced, it would be her cover for "When You Wish Upon a Star". That should've played in the credits only because it felt so wrong to not hear the entirety during the movie. Of all the characters I hated, it's Sofia. I regularly enjoy Lorraine Bracco, but this seagull was annoying as hell. There was no need for a new character if you were just gonna repeat the past. I even call bullshit on her being able to pull Pinocchio to sky when she claimed that a block of wood was too heavy for her. She really doesn't understand her weight ratio if she doesn't know what a heavy block of wood is to her. Aside from Zemeckis directing, the main reason I got onboard with this remake was adding Tom fucking Hanks as Geppetto. That was a fancast I was all in for, only to feel confused. I tried so hard to enjoy his presence as a loving father, but his accent was going on and off, it was so goddamn distracting. With all that being said, it made it easier for me to find a bucket load of issues that remind me there are better adaptations than this. Going back from the top, I regularly dig fourth wall breaks, but it was really pointless for Jimny to talk to himself before the rest of the story goes on. He could've saved us some trouble by telling him of the danger ahead and we wouldn't have to sit through this. I'm even trying to figure out how not enough people react to a live puppet. Geppetto was surprised as was Honest John, but everyone else was chill before Pinocchio enters school. Since there is a talking fox and a walking cat named Gideon, I guess the town is oblivious as hell. I don't want to hate on Geppetto, but it's pretty much his fault to not walk Pinocchio to school. That's just another moment that could've saved him from a lot of trouble. I've said before that I hate continuity errors, so you bet your ass my head was exploding when seeing Coachman's set of horses went from 12 to 8 in shots apart. That pissed me off more than trying to figure out how other adults like Geppetto know about Pleasure Island and no investigation has ever occurred. And why the fuck are there vapor like monsters in Pleasure Island? The donkeys are traumatizing enough to get the lesson taught to never be disobedient. It gets weirder when Jiminy is more concerned about the donkeys than the vapor monsters. How do you not freak out about that? This cricket is insane. Also, how did Fabiana know Pinocchio was heading to the ocean? That is a wild ass gamble because he never told her he'd ever go there. And lastly, why does it glow inside Monstro? If this is a power the Blue Fairy secretly gave Pinocchio, that should've been specified as well. Saying all of this, I find it hard to believe someone can ignore all of this to enjoy this movie. To get this over with, Disney's 2022 version of Pinocchio is one of the worst of their catalog for being a vapid mess that sucked out the charm that made the original so good. If you got Disney+ and got disappointed with this as I did, you got two choices: Rewatch the 1940 classic or hop on to the Netflix version where it's patience created greatness.
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