THE FOLLOWING REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF THE DISCUSSED FILM. READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
The idea of making a video game into a movie sounds cool until it backfires. While there has been success out of Sonic the Hedgehog in the 2020s, there has been a terrible track record of disastrous adaptations. Everyone would mostly think it was 1995's Mortal Kombat that started the cycle, but in reality, it was 1993's Super Mario Bros. The film follows a dystopia where a meteorite 65 million years prior split the universe into two parallel dimensions. Surviving dinosaurs would escape into the second dimension where they would evolve into a humanoid race. In 1973, an egg and a rock are left at a Catholic orphanage on Earth. The egg would hatch into a baby girl. 20 years later, that girl would grow up to be an NY archaeology student named Daisy whose excavating for dino bones under the Brooklyn Bridge. However, her excavation is constantly sabotaged by mafioso Anthony Scapelli (Gianni Russo) whose construction company is driving business away from two plumbing brothers Mario & Luigi Mario. By fate, both brothers meet Daisy and Luigi becomes so starstruck he asks her out. They double date with Mario and his girlfriend Daniella (Dana Kaminski), but it is after this where Daisy discovers the water pipes open which would flood her excavation site. Mario & Luigi quickly fix it, but Daisy & Daniella get abducted by people from the dino dimension, as well as other innocent women. The henchmen are Iggy & Spike, cousins of President Koopa who leads the other dimension. When the Mario brothers enter it and find themselves in the city of Dinohattan, they lose Daisy's rock necklace from a bouncer named Big Bertha (Francesca P Roberts). Koopa needs the rock because it is a meteorite fragment and with it, he can merge both world. But needs Daisy to do it because she is the long lost princess of the king he overthrew and mother he killed. The Mario Bros briefly apprehended by Koopa himself, but they quickly escape his clutches by stealing a cop car and ditch it after passing through a tunnel. This leads to Iggy & Spike pursuing both plumbers. But when both of Koopa’s cousins evolve to be ‘advanced’, they act and think smarter than before. When they find the protagonist duo, they inadvertently spill their boss’ plan. They also share that Koopa has waited so long because the portal has been sealed until Scapelli unknowingly opened it. They end up having an agreement to surrender Daisy in exchange for the rock. So all of them go to the bar where Bertha works. Mario is able to get it back, but trouble worsens when they get pursued by devolved ‘Goomba’ henchmen that invade the club. Impressed of his dancing skills, Bertha helps him and his brother escape. When they make it to Koopa’s tower, they mess with the heating system to keep everyone occupied on their way out. They also don plumbing uniforms before they continue their rescue mission. When Koopa’s jealous girlfriend Lena (Fiona Shaw) tries to kill Daisy, she is stopped thanks to the Dino pet Yoshida who gives the princess a chance to escape. With Iggy & Spike feeling inspired to rebel against their cousin, they also lead Daisy to her father who has been devolved to giant fungus. After this brief reunion, she reunites with the Mario Bros and they escape with the towers with Danielle and the other women held captive. When a jealous Lena having taken the rock from Iggy & Spike, she tries to merge both dimensions but it gets herself killed as she couldn’t handle the energy unlike Daisy. Just when everyone escapes the tower, Koopa catches up and tries to devolve them into monkeys but Mario chooses to fight him and stop it from happening. As that happens, they head to Earth as part of the worlds merging. Koopa tries to begin his act of domination by devolving Scapelli into a monkey, but Daisy is able to undo the merge before anything worse could happen. And before Koopa could make another move against the protagonists, a Bob-omb goes off and stuns the dystopian President. This gives the Mario Bros the opportunity to defeat him by devolving him into slime. Dinohattan would now become in safer hands with Daisy in charge and her father returning to human form. Mario & Luigi would return to their dimension but thanks to Daniella reporting to the media what she saw, both brothers would be deemed as heroes. The film would end in a time jump three weeks later, showing Daisy call the Mario Bros for their help on a new mission. For someone who got to play a fair amount of games from this iconic franchise, I was very open minded to check it out. Even with the lowest expectations, I am quickly disappointed with the overall product. Directors Rocky Morton & Annabel Jankel abandon all the source material at that point to try to harvest something refreshing and it explodes in our faces and theirs. I normally dig Alan Silvestri’s scores but no matter how catchy this one is, it ain’t enough for me to feel any kind of excitement throughout. The editing by by Mark Goldblatt is honestly the worst part about this movie because it’s like so much scenes were taken out I was worried I fell asleep I missed something, when I never did. I want to respect the production design that was built, but it looks so cheap like they borrowed it from better stuff. Every time I saw a cop car it looked like ones from the Mad Max movies. And the costumes don’t make it any better because while it’s already upsetting for the leads to dawn their iconic colors by 66 minutes into the movie but it’s worse how no one else really looks the part. Due to my fascination over dinosaurs, I have a soft spot for Yoshi but I cannot say the same with the Goomba because they’re creepy as hell. And that appearance should’ve not been approved like the rest of the bullshit that goes down. It even breaks my heart how there is an interesting mix of actors involved yet they can barely keep it together through this hot mess of a story. I honestly see solid chemistry between Bob Hoskins & John Leguizamo, but I don’t feel any inspiration from them playing the titular duo the way the characters have been to share throughout the games. I want to believe in the cheerful/hopefulness Samantha Mathis puts in as Daisy, but it’s not strong enough for me to care about her. It’s not like I’m begging for Peach to replace her, but I would prefer her over Daniella. I’m sure that Fisher Stevens & Richard Edson are supposed to be annoying as Iggy & Spike but they dial it up way too hard to the point where I roll my eyes each time they speak. The fact they have an after credit scene where they are offered to have games based on their perspective is a big middle finger to our faces, especially since they disappeared during the climax. I think the actor that suffered the most from this movie has to be the late Dennis Hopper. King Koopa is supposed to be the iconic villain fans would remember as Bowser and due to the combo of a terrible costume and lines too shitty to chew up, it makes the whole thing cringeworthy to get through. Even though Hopper recovered and did better films like Speed, the damage is too severe to ignore and it bothers me every time I think about it. I already said his lines are shit, but the whole script is because so many things happen that don’t make sense to me. Going from the top, why would it be a thing to have a lineage of plumbers on the wall? That’s disgusting no matter how clean they would be. And what is the whole point of Scapelli to exist in this movie other than to inadvertently get the story started? Nothing because they honestly could’ve given that role to an existing character like Wario and they missed that opportunity. If I gotta pick on Scapelli, I think it was dumb for his henchmen have their uniforms on when sabotaging the excavation. It’s like the guy is asking to get caught. Like I said with the editing, how did the Mario Bros get up so fast from getting knocked out to catch up hearing Daisy call for help? There is no way they got up so fast. Also, I think Luigi has to be very lucky Daisy sad yes to going out with him when Mario was telling him aloud what to say. Either she felt bad about it or really has bad hearing. I then think aloud why exactly does Koopa need to merge both worlds? If anything, he can just kill a big leader and takeover with his advanced technology without that much of a fight. I don’t want that to happen but it sounds easier than merging dimensions. And why was it even possible for Goombas to have uniforms that would match their taller bodies after devolving? It’s not like these henchmen expect this to happen since Koopa forces them to go through it. Either they’re lucky to buy clothes like that or Koopa made them change. I don’t want to care about this shit, but I hate that it gets stuck in my fucking head. Moving on, I gotta call out a continuity error when I say Luigi did not punch a guard when escaping. I would like to think so but no contact is ever made and it’s ridiculous no one noticed before the Final cut was made. Also, how come the Statue of Liberty looks the same in the Dino verse when they could’ve it a tail to make some kind of difference? On top of that, it’s not a secret that Bertha was not doing her job when dancing the whole time. And god damn I lost my shit in a very bad way when one of the girls got too excited for Mario and shouted his name which got a Goomba’s attention. I know the Goombas are dumb, but they’re still strong enough to fuck you up and I’m surprised she didn’t get any repercussion for putting the other girls in danger. And why was it possible for Daisy’s father to be human again? There was nothing said to have undo his fungus form, so it’s kinda weird it took Koopa’s demise for it to be so. And it only makes it a waste of Lance Henriksen. God this movie is lazy as fuck. To get this over with, Super Mario Bros. qualifies as one of the worst movies ever made because it has zero passion and zero respect towards the source material it abandons. It shouldn't exist and I do not understand why or how anyone approved of it being released. If you're a true fan of this Nintendo franchise, avoid this and go straight to the much more tolerant 2023 version. Or if you’re a Dino lover that feels insulted, be grateful we got Jurassic Park.
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